Anna’s would-be 29th birthday was January 27th, which means it’s been 11 years since she’s been here to celebrate it. Together, we remembered a lot of stories and looked at photographs. It always feels a bit strange on her birthday because we want to recognize it, but we aren’t actually celebrating it. For myself, I celebrate the day I became a mom and choose to live in that joy as I continue to embrace my vocation of Motherhood. But honestly, it is just a sad day. As the years pass, it grows sadder. We are no longer remembering a girl who was recently here and relevant in the lives of so many people. She has become remarkably irrelevant to the rest of the world, but as the days pass she becomes more relevant than ever to me.
Losing her has been a beautiful albeit heavy cross that I’ve been chosen to carry, and it relentlessly requires surrender and death to myself. The temptation to anger, bitterness, and hatred is very real and I have to sometimes work hard at loving others with compassion, mercy, and forgiveness. I know I am growing in virtue as I battle this and constantly strive to practice a painful dying to self. I pray constantly for the grace of humility to serve others and not myself, which is my instinct when I hurt. I have the loss of my beautiful daughter to thank for this precious and very relevant walk with my Lord. It’s a walk only He can know in its fullness with all its complete failures and glorious successes. It’s a walk I wouldn’t trade for something easier, even though I beg Him daily to just carry it for me. I’m a glutton for this sweet punishment because He is waiting like a proud spouse for his beloved to do something great, and He knows that I can. For Him, I want to. He did it for me already. He would do it again and, Jesus help me, so would I.
Why should January 27th feel different than the 26th or 28th? What’s the difference other than a date on the calendar? Nothing has changed from one day to the next. Today I’m sad and yesterday I wasn’t.
Because today I am remembering what the world once knew, but has now forgotten. I’m remembering what was and for a moment, it leaves me stuck in what is lost. And seriously, so much has been lost. But, if I remember all that God has done for me because she was born and lived, then I can be affirmed in the Hope and knowledge that God is giving me everything. Remember what the Lord has done! The scriptures encourage us to remember God’s faithfulness through all of our seasons and trials, acknowledging that He is there by our side through it all.
He’s making me new as all things in this world are passing away. He’s giving me eyes to see glimpses of life from a Heavenly perspective and not just this worldly one. He’s teaching me all the time, as long as I’m willing to learn, that what is lost is found again. The temptation to anger, bitterness, and hatred is what ends with true death. Picking up this cross, and accepting the suffering with gratefulness, humility, and love for others is the way to LIFE and Jesus fights this battle for me every. single. day. That is the JOY that dispels my sadness every time I choose it and is the most relevant truth we could ever come to know!
“Remember His wonderful deeds which He has done, His marvels and the judgements from his mouth” 1 Chr 16:12
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