7 Years

In these past 7 years, I’ve come to understand my suffering is a gift. A gift not exactly given to me by God, but allowed by God so that He might shower me with so many other amazing gifts and graces. In the rawness of my grief, when Mikey died 12 years ago and when Anna died 7 years ago, God taught me that when you are clawing at air and think you have lost too much to survive, He is there. And He is enough.

He’s proved His love for me constantly, always keeping every promise. He’s been by my side in the darkest valleys and to the top of the hills.

We’ve walked through fire together and I would follow Him anywhere. Even to the cross. After all, that’s where He did His best work. And where I do mine. Mostly because that’s where I meet Him, the one who is Love and Mercy itself. There is no fear at the cross with Jesus, only looking forward to resurrection. Where then can fear live, if the worst case is the cross with our Savior? It’s not death that stings, so much as the fear of death. And the fear of death does not compare to the fear of living without the One who loves me above all else. If that were possible, then everything would sting!

Today I am reminded of all that we have lost in our beautiful and vibrant Anna. I am of course mourning once again all her ‘lasts’ and the really empty space in our family. All the what-ifs and should-haves can bring such great sorrow, but I consider them all a gift because I know they will bring me face to face with the cross. It’s so hard to see the one we love in such agony. He waits there for me anyway. Alone the grief is heavy, but together the sorrow is transformed. I am His and He is mine. He is enough.

These memories are joy but are also a painful and sorrowful cross

This is the Cross that heals and redeems