Jesus I Trust in You

I’ve written here before about the death of our 4 year-old son Mikey almost 5 years ago.  Michael Julian PullanoHe was diagnosed with a brain tumor and battled his disease for 9 months before he died.  That journey, while being one that no parent ever wants to take, was responsible for so much fruit.  You can read more of my thoughts over the years on my caringbridge site. My faith and my writing have grown from that suffering and the continued carrying of the cross.  Though it never leaves our side we have gotten very used to carrying it.  We have found JOY despite sorrow and loss.  I can look at that sweet and beautiful face and know with certainty that his little life was precious and meaningful to God’s design and in the plan for my own salvation.  I can even go so far as to say I am thankful for having him, knowing him. loving him and losing him because God is faithful.  When He says He has plans to give us a future and a hope He is faithful.

Several weeks ago now, we once again got that dreaded phone call.  Every parent’s worst nightmare has become our newest living reality.  “Your daughter has been in an accident.” “She’s in critical condition.” “She was hit by a bus.” “She’s intubated for now.” “Mr. Pullano… Your daughter is dying.”

Anna Noelle Pullano January 27, 1995- March 2, 2013

Anna Noelle Pullano
January 27, 1995- March 2, 2013

Time is frozen in that moment and yet it steadily marches on as we adjust, adapt, re-define and accept.  We’ve been here before.  We’ve walked this road of pain, sorrow and grief and, ultimately, with God’s grace, this road of HOPE and FAITH.  We will walk it again because God has asked us to.

My understanding is so limited and so narrow.  I can’t begin to answer all the Why’s that are so much a part of our human nature.  Why us? again…  Why her?  Why do our other children have to bear this again?  It is so unfair.  As parents we do all in our power to protect our kids and keep them safe from harm and the evils of the world.  This is completely out of our hands.  Why Lord would you allow them to suffer so much?

And you are an all-powerful and amazing God.  As sure as I have 10 fingers and 10 toes, you could have intervened and prevented this tragedy for us.  Why Lord?  Why didn’t your angels keep her safe?  Why did you allow this in our lives when you so easily could have spared us?  You could have intervened and you didn’t.

You could have intervened but you didn’t.  

And that leaves only one thing to say.

Jesus I trust in You.

We will seek refuge and take comfort in the arms of God.  Where else could we possibly go?  We will answer as Peter answered, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of everlasting life.” (Jn 6:68) bearing in mind the words of Jesus, “I am the vine and you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing.” (Jn 15:5)

We will bear up and carry this newest cross.  How?  With God’s grace and with His love.  It is a love that is not from us but a divine love that bears all things.  It is love for God and the desire to do His Holy and perfect will that will bear this cross.  It was the same for Jesus, He came to do his Father’s will, and it wasn’t an easy road to walk.  The road to Calvary is never an easy road.

It is a road however that we can freely and humbly choose, even in circumstances that we would never ask for.  Had I known, I would have BEGGED my God for this cup to pass me by, but truly not my will but yours be done Father.  And armed with that Trust and Love, all a grace, we will freely choose to walk this road alongside our Lord.  We will not be felled by the enemy of despair and we will not be victims of darkness.  We will walk uprightly in the light, even though we may falter.

The sadness and the grief are sometimes overwhelming.  The future looms large with this enormous cross that we will never be out from under.  The presence and the weight will be constant companions this side of Heaven.  It is no different from so many crosses.  The death of any loved one or the decision of a rape victim to choose life for her child when that choice feels impossible.  The gay man or woman who chooses celibate love for their life in order to more fully live the Gospel.  People suffering with debilitating, life-long illnesses or chronic pain or mental disorders.  All are crosses that are not necessarily chosen but can be freely borne.  Why would we want to bear them?  The same reason Jesus wanted to bear his cross.  Love. Pure and simple.

But what about our happiness?  I thought you wanted me to be happy in my life God?  Giving me children and then taking them away doesn’t sound like the greatest recipe for happiness to me.  In fact the pain of it is blinding sometimes.  How can I ever be happy with that?  At moments I cry out with Jesus, “Father, Why have you forsaken me?”

English: Divine Mercy. Painting in Divine Merc...

And the answer comes, “Today, you will be with me in Paradise”

Jesus I trust in You

I want to know the extreme and heavenly love that bears a lifetime of days without my first-born baby girl and our first-born son.  I want to bear the fruit and know the Joy that can only be understood in light of the pain and the suffering.  We can’t truly know light without darkness.  What a thrilling discovery when we are in darkness to understand that the light dispels it perfectly and completely.

Do a good and perfect work in me Lord.  You are my potter and I am your clay.

Jesus I Trust in You

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25 thoughts on “Jesus I Trust in You

  1. Beautiful story of undying faith. Where would any of us be if we did not have faith in Eternal Life. How would we bear all that life has to offer, and yes, it is always a joy to have know those we love so much. God bless you as you reach out to those who believe as you do and those who may gain faith by reading what you write.

  2. Karen, your inspired words help show others the way to carry their crosses. Thank you for sharing your pain, so we may not feel alone in ours. Thank you for sharing your faith, so we may grow in ours. Thank you for showing us what it means to Trust in Jesus. God bless you and your family this Easter season. 1 Peter 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead…

  3. I’ve been working on trust this year. For Lent, I’m saying, “Jesus, I trust in you,” every time something happens that’s outside of my plans. I pray I never have to suffer the loss of a child. But I think the whole Church in our country has hard times ahead. God bless you. Pray that the rest of us might learn to trust too.

  4. I am sorry that you have had to carry such burdens. You are an inspiration to me in your faith and grace. Thank you for helping others in your own grief. You are a special person!

  5. I am so sorry for your loss. Our son and his best friend were broadsided by a drunk driver going twice the speed limit in March of 2002, and both of them died instantly. As many bereaved parents do, I have struggled in my faith over the years since they died. I don’t understand why God didn’t protect Jason. There are so many things we don’t understand on this side, but I do know that I will see them again.

    • DESTINY
      by Frances Ruocco
      Destiny first chose to make you
      a very special part of my life.
      Destiny then chose
      to take you out of my life.
      The time destiny allowed us
      went so quickly.
      It wasn’t enough,
      there could have been more.
      Whenever I start to feel badly
      because destiny took you out of my life
      I will think of how sad it would have been
      not to have known you.
      Then I will thank destiny
      for making you a special part of my life.
      Giving me so many happy
      and precious memories
      That will be with me
      for as long as I live
      (c) True Love Grows Stronger
      When my husband passed I wrote poetry and it healed me through that difficult time. I am on Facebook and list some of the poetry – Frances Ruocco or True Love Grows in Brooklyn which has a lot of the poetry. We never forget, we learn to live with the pain and in hope of seeing them again.

      • Another poem written that helped me to heal. Sorry for your losses also, hope all who read this believe in eternal life and know they will be reunited again someday.

        True Love Will Never Die
        by Frances Ruocco
        True love will never die,
        It lasts forever more.
        It binds our hearts together
        and teaches us to endure,
        It helps us deal with life’s problems
        in a constructive way,
        Bringing out an inner strength
        that gets us through each day.
        Even if there is a separation
        from this world to the next,
        True love will still survive,
        for it passes every test

  6. I am so very sorry for your loss and pray God continues to give you peace that only he can give in your unbelievable grief

  7. Years ago I saw your kids playing in the yard on a wooden tower and told your husband that we had a similar one that our kids no longer used. I mentioned you were welcome to it and a bit later, we moved it to your yard.
    As you have faced your twin tragedies, I sometimes look up the hill from my home and I see the playset. I hope that some happy moments were had on that playset by your children and just wanted you to know that you are frequently in our thoughts and prayers.

  8. I can”t find the right words to say only to say ,how much your letters have moved me .Your letter are so beautiful and moving,I will pray for you and your family. Mary

  9. you are truly an inspiration! I could not even imagine losing two precious children in a matter of 5 years or any years for that matter. I guess that is why people always say count your blessings. You have certainly found a way to count yours in-spite of the tragedies that you and your family have endured. I now look at my condition of chronic pain in my back quite differently! Even though it does not even compare to the hardship that you and your family have endured it is really a problem that is a thorn in my side. How silly of me to even consider that a real problem. thank-you for letting me look at this mishap in a different light. More important thank-you for coming into my life. Cheryl Epstein

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  11. I just read your blog and am so moved by your incredible faith. You truly are an inspiration for everyone. I don’t know you, but of course heard of your story from the news. My daughter is also a senior and I couldn’t help but empathize with you and your family…You are certainly carrying a heavy cross and I just wanted you to know that the way you have accepted God’s plan for you will always stay with me. I am sure you have affected hundreds upon hundreds with your incredible faith, people, like myself, who you will never realize you touched. I pray for peace for your family….and will also pray for the unborn in Anna’s name. God bless

  12. Pingback: The Greater the Loss | Jessie Jeanine

  13. God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, holy be your name. Our prayers grant to us the will of God the prayers of the holy the work of God.
    Our prayer in our life, to our Lord Jesus Christ and in the presence of God

    Our prayers and work of our redemption of Christ,
    the prayer of thy blessing and holy life in the Lord our God
    and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ our Saviour,

    and with the God life,
    our faith.
    Amen

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